Beaver

           Our story begins in the year 5848 on the planet Gelangweilt, where beavers have now become the latest form of currency among the Earthman colonists. Seeing as they were the only other species from Earth to survive the Massive Implodieren of 5847.5, it was only natural that they would be traded amongst the humans for such commodities as jetpacks and laserpistolen. Unfortunately, time behaved differently on Gelangweilt, and so the beavers only mated once every jahr, making beavers a rare and expensive commodity (one beaver was worth about 1,000,000 Yen). Johncenany is a merchant at the Handel Market, trying to sell his goods to scrape together any beaver he can get in hopes of attending Gelangweit's annual Biberfest.

Johncenany: "Mann verflixten, biber! I need to attend this BiberFest or else I'll be ruined for the rest of my life!"
Passerby: "BiberFest, eh? Tell you what, eh? You give me fiddy beavers and I get you to BiberFest, eh?"
Johncenany: "Aww shucks, you're too kind. Tell you what, I give fiddy-one, eh?"
Passerby: "EH!"

           So Johncenany gives up his fifty-one beavers (his entire life savings) to be able to attend the BiberFest. The passerby kept his word, and Johncenany got his ticket to the BiberFest.
*One monat later*
          It was the day of the BiberFest. Johncenany wet his pants just thinking about it. He waited anxiously in line for a very long amount of time before he went in. Finally, he entered. And it wasn't what he expected at all. Flying bibers (or beavers) were swooping around everywhere, attached to the ceiling by long strings of stahl.

Johncenany: "Whot's this, eh? This here beaver be flyin'! This is pretty nautical brote!"
Some Random Mannlich: "There's one coming right for us! WATCHOUTWATCHOUTWATCHOUT!!!!"

          The beaver struck Johncenany in the face. Johncenany died. BiberFest was a plot by the beavers to lure the humans all into one space so they could kill them. The passerby that sold Johncenany the BiberFest ticket was a beaver in disguise. Soon the beavers wiped out the humans and took over Gelangweit. END.

The American Spirit?

          Why is the American spirit to make fun of everything again? Like actually think about it. Steve Harvey says the wrong name at the Miss Universe modeling competition: he gets made fun of. The dictator of a country threatens to nuke us: he gets made fun of. I don't know whether it's the fact that Americans are jerks in general, or if there's some psyhological reason for it, but I'm going to assume the second option. I think we're subconciously afraid of the things we make fun of. For instance: Steve Harvey was made fun of because he made an error on live international television. Imagine how scary that would be if you were him. Donald Trump is made fun of by those who are actually afraid he has a shot at becoming president. Kim Jong-Un is made fun of because he possesses the nuclear weapons to bomb us straight to Jupiter. The list goes on. I'm not sure if this is only true for Americans or for humans in general, but it seems to be popping up most often here in the U.S. of A.. I wish we had a better way of subconciously releasing stress.

Apple vs. FBI

        Apple has been battling the FBI for about a week or two now, and things are heating up. So a bit of backstory: The FBI asked Apple to create a "backdoor" to open up the iPhone of Syed Farook, the shooter in the worst terrorist attack in the United States since 9/11. The FBI claims that the iPhone could hold information on other terrorists and/or future attacks in the U.S.. However, Apple refuses to open the phone since they're concerned that if they were to create the backdoor, anyone's iPhone could be open by anyone who knows the backdoor, thus causing an invasion of privacy. Apparently, Apple is going to use the 1st Amendment to prove the FBI's demands unconstitutional, because software coding is protected under "free speech", as proved by precedent from the Supreme Court from a while back. I can see both sides of the argument, but I'm going to have to side with the FBI on this one. We need to be able to prevent further terrorist attacks, and if that involves unlocking an iPhone, so be it. Rather than teaching the FBI how to backdoor a phone, however, Apple should have a trusted employee unlock it for the FBI and then give it to them. In that way, the FBI or anyone outside the company will not know how to force open an iPhone, and Apple gets to keep the secret. At that point, if there is a security breach, then Apple has no one to blame besides themselves. After all this media attention this has been getting, Apple should still publicly refuse but unlock the phone in private, so that the FBI gets what they want and the company looks like they're still trying and winning. 

Apple vs. Android

       Apple (the company, not the fruit) is one of the most famous smart-device makers in the world. But personally, I think their technology is way overpriced for what it actually is. For instance, the oldest iPhone still being sold regularly is the iPhone 5s (as far as I know), which still can go from anywhere from $200-$400, depending on storage capabilities. That might seem cheap in comparison to Apple's latest models, but then when you compare it to a cheap Android, it seems outrageously expensive. I was able to get my LG Android for around $150, with more capabilities than the 5s (I'd say it's on par with an iPhone 6, which is currently going for about $400). So what's the point of buying an Apple device if you're being cheated for it? Is it perhaps the fact that Apple is more famous? I doubt it, considering the Android OS is made by the even more famous Google, and the actual phones are made from tech giants such as Samsung, LG, Motorola and more. I personally think that a lot of people are too lazy to look into or see something that could save them a lot of money while providing the same reliability that Apple does, and instead just cheat themselves. And I've seen this happen multiple times in different scenarios, too, so it's not like this is a new idea or bold statement. For instance, my grandparents have dreams of moving away to a nice, secluded location, but never take any steps to actually fulfill that achievement, and just cheat themselves by living in misery (even though they don't realize it). Always follow your dreams, and unless you don't want to waste your hard owned money, Apple shouldn't be a part of that dream.