Tree Boy

There once was a boy named Billy. But Billy wasn't an average child. You see, Billy turns into a tree twice a day, at high noon and midnight. This made things complicated, as you will see.

Billy first gained his powers at the age of 12, sitting in English class one day. His teacher, Mr. H, was making the day quite boring for him, so he was about to fall asleep when all of a sudden something very peculiar was happening to him. He felt very dizzy, then nauseous, then angry, then drowsy. His head hit the desk and he snored. Only seconds later (although it felt like hours to Billy), he was woken up by a buffalo. He was in his class, and still very dizzy, but his classmates and teacher had turned to buffalo. "Billy, wake up," it said, "You're a tree." Billy abruptly woke up for real this time, and the buffalo were gone, replaced by his classmates and teacher. For some reason, though, his classmates were far below him, as if he were flying. And they were all still staring at him, and he wondered what had gone wrong this time. Until he looked down at himself, and he realized he was a tree. He wet himself, dripping sap down his branches, and ran outside, destroying the school in the process. He was never seen again. Maybe one day, someone like Billy will come to your school.

*Billy asks that you do not discriminate against tree-kin like himself.*

Dead memes

How does something become popular on the internet? Is it because it's witty, memerable and overall FUNNY? No....Not at all. The latest internet memes have been utter garbage, and I think I know why. Ever since last year, these jokes have been following the same formula: Stupid Voice+Randomness(not the good kind)=Popular Joke. For instance, one trend early in this year is
"Damn Daniel". Essentially, the narrator comments on the stylishness of another teenage manchild, Daniel. Several short video clips of this saying, "Damn, Daniel, back at it again with the white Vans", are compiled into a video that currently has over 12 million views on YouTube. Daniel and his idiot cameraman have even been featured on "Ellen". So what makes this meme so "funny", you ask? The cameraman is making a stupid voice while being completely random and calling out his friend on his shoes. So why is this what was trending on social media when there's quite probably jokes out there that would blow your socks off? Because in the words of Mr. Goldstein, people are stupid.

Anti-virus

Computers are by far one of the most useful things man has ever invented. But for such a useful tool, you'd think it would be made a little simpler and less prone to error. For instance, viruses. If your computer gets one, you're screwed. Unless you put your trust and money into an anti-virus software, which can prove to be more difficult and annoying than the viruses themselves. My laptop came pre-installed with Norton Anti-Virus Security, which I didn't really want or use, since my mom has a subscription for my computer to a better, more reliable service. Once my subscription to Norton on the laptop ran out, though, they would spam me with messages and try to trick me into getting a new subscription. I tried to uninstall multiple times, which only made Norton that much more annoying when it reappeared after each attempt.

There are three types of companies in the world: those who do good for society, those who do bad, and those who say they do good but really trash everything you own. Can you guess which one of those Norton is? Like I'm not trying to murder your company, I'm just trying to get away from your service. You should make it easy to leave your service simply for the convenience. Ok, sure, trapping your customer into something they don't really want is an effective customer retention strategy, but it's a pretty scummy one. And if I am forced into seeing your stupid messages every single time I open MY laptop, don't you think I'm going to complain, which is what I'm doing now. Don't you think one of these days someone will sue you for harrassment and spam? Seriously Norton (and all other companies that do this), screw off.

Deodorant

As we all know, deodorant is a substance we use to mask our more foul bodily smells. So why do deodorant companies feel the need to add some sort of a stupid smell to deodorants or perfumes?

Since I'm male, I didn't really get much of the bad side of this. That is, until I first entered the world of P.E. locker rooms. The men's deodorant/cologne brand known as Axe was and is popular, much to my dismay. Puerile children just go around the locker room spraying these noxious fumes, whether to make themselves think they're cool or to generally annoy everyone, I'm not quite sure (I suspect the latter). I don't know what genius thought of the idea of sprayable deodorant, but they should've thought of the repercussions before they released these products to the public.

Calling something with scent a deodorant is a false statement. It's not really a true deodorant because rather than actually eliminating smell, it simply masks that smell with other, "more pleasanter" smells. Which is fine if you're into smelling like fake fruit all day, but I can't say that I am.