Tree Boy

There once was a boy named Billy. But Billy wasn't an average child. You see, Billy turns into a tree twice a day, at high noon and midnight. This made things complicated, as you will see.

Billy first gained his powers at the age of 12, sitting in English class one day. His teacher, Mr. H, was making the day quite boring for him, so he was about to fall asleep when all of a sudden something very peculiar was happening to him. He felt very dizzy, then nauseous, then angry, then drowsy. His head hit the desk and he snored. Only seconds later (although it felt like hours to Billy), he was woken up by a buffalo. He was in his class, and still very dizzy, but his classmates and teacher had turned to buffalo. "Billy, wake up," it said, "You're a tree." Billy abruptly woke up for real this time, and the buffalo were gone, replaced by his classmates and teacher. For some reason, though, his classmates were far below him, as if he were flying. And they were all still staring at him, and he wondered what had gone wrong this time. Until he looked down at himself, and he realized he was a tree. He wet himself, dripping sap down his branches, and ran outside, destroying the school in the process. He was never seen again. Maybe one day, someone like Billy will come to your school.

*Billy asks that you do not discriminate against tree-kin like himself.*

Dead memes

How does something become popular on the internet? Is it because it's witty, memerable and overall FUNNY? No....Not at all. The latest internet memes have been utter garbage, and I think I know why. Ever since last year, these jokes have been following the same formula: Stupid Voice+Randomness(not the good kind)=Popular Joke. For instance, one trend early in this year is
"Damn Daniel". Essentially, the narrator comments on the stylishness of another teenage manchild, Daniel. Several short video clips of this saying, "Damn, Daniel, back at it again with the white Vans", are compiled into a video that currently has over 12 million views on YouTube. Daniel and his idiot cameraman have even been featured on "Ellen". So what makes this meme so "funny", you ask? The cameraman is making a stupid voice while being completely random and calling out his friend on his shoes. So why is this what was trending on social media when there's quite probably jokes out there that would blow your socks off? Because in the words of Mr. Goldstein, people are stupid.

Anti-virus

Computers are by far one of the most useful things man has ever invented. But for such a useful tool, you'd think it would be made a little simpler and less prone to error. For instance, viruses. If your computer gets one, you're screwed. Unless you put your trust and money into an anti-virus software, which can prove to be more difficult and annoying than the viruses themselves. My laptop came pre-installed with Norton Anti-Virus Security, which I didn't really want or use, since my mom has a subscription for my computer to a better, more reliable service. Once my subscription to Norton on the laptop ran out, though, they would spam me with messages and try to trick me into getting a new subscription. I tried to uninstall multiple times, which only made Norton that much more annoying when it reappeared after each attempt.

There are three types of companies in the world: those who do good for society, those who do bad, and those who say they do good but really trash everything you own. Can you guess which one of those Norton is? Like I'm not trying to murder your company, I'm just trying to get away from your service. You should make it easy to leave your service simply for the convenience. Ok, sure, trapping your customer into something they don't really want is an effective customer retention strategy, but it's a pretty scummy one. And if I am forced into seeing your stupid messages every single time I open MY laptop, don't you think I'm going to complain, which is what I'm doing now. Don't you think one of these days someone will sue you for harrassment and spam? Seriously Norton (and all other companies that do this), screw off.

Deodorant

As we all know, deodorant is a substance we use to mask our more foul bodily smells. So why do deodorant companies feel the need to add some sort of a stupid smell to deodorants or perfumes?

Since I'm male, I didn't really get much of the bad side of this. That is, until I first entered the world of P.E. locker rooms. The men's deodorant/cologne brand known as Axe was and is popular, much to my dismay. Puerile children just go around the locker room spraying these noxious fumes, whether to make themselves think they're cool or to generally annoy everyone, I'm not quite sure (I suspect the latter). I don't know what genius thought of the idea of sprayable deodorant, but they should've thought of the repercussions before they released these products to the public.

Calling something with scent a deodorant is a false statement. It's not really a true deodorant because rather than actually eliminating smell, it simply masks that smell with other, "more pleasanter" smells. Which is fine if you're into smelling like fake fruit all day, but I can't say that I am.

How to Get Perfect Hair in Twenty Simple Steps

Do you have wild hair? Is every day a bad hair day for you? Well with these 20 simple steps, your hair will be perfect every single day for the rest of your life!

Step 1: First, you must feed on the blood of a young one, and get exactly one quart of fresh blood.

Step 2: Combine this with a pint of Tapatio hot sauce and a pint of pure alcohol to make the finest liquor the world has ever seen.

Step 3: Obtain a passport, if you don't have one all ready.

Step 4: Travel over the border to Mexico, and stop at one of the border towns such as Ciudad Juarez or Tijuana.

Step 5: Sell your liquor to one of the drug cartels for exactly 26163.60 pesos (approximately $1,500).

Step 6: Travel back to the States and go to your nearest Gamestop.

Step 7: Buy every single game you can and then sell it back to Gamestop

Step 8: Once you've obtained your $20 from selling the games back, go to your nearest city office and obtain a job as a restaurant inspector.

Step 9: Inspect your nearest McDonald's and obtain all of their extra grease.

Step 10: Spread the grease on to your hair until every single hair on your head is greased.

Step 11: Without washing off the grease, walk down to your nearest Walmart and buy some dehydrated hashbrowns.

Step 12: Evenly distribute those hashbrowns on your head.

Step 13: Add water to your head, and mix.

Step 14: Once your head smells like lemons, you can stop.

And that's how you make your hair always be perfect!

Art

If you ever, for some reason, have an urge to view the scum of the Portola hierarchy, look no further than the elective hell known as "Art class"*. It's not that the class itself is bad (I find it quite enjoyable in fact, and an easy A is an easy A), but the people inside it tend to be foul. Within this proverbial hell, there's a set of groups that I classify them into based on type of annoyingness and strength of stupidity.

The Drama Queens (and Kings)
As the name says, these people create drama out of thin air and tend to make loud noises, underachieve, and text each other in class (despite being less than three feet from one another in a class where the teacher is lenient about talking. Here's some tips to help you spot and avoid drama royalty.

• They tend to be Persian or "Caucasian" girls (not to be racist or sexist but this is what I have noticed)
• If they talk faster than a couple words per second, stay away.
• Typically spoiled
• Only child in their close family
• Bored

(these are just what I notice, it's not true for everyone that is an only child or are spoiled. I'm somewhat sorry if I offend you.)

The Future Thugs of America

The kinds of people you see in the Dean's office twice a week, if not more. Don't care about school, disrespect the teachers and themselves, etc.. They will go to any measure to get into trouble, for no clear reason (my guesses are boredom and self-loathing). Generally, they try to make other's days worse . By that I don't mean blatant bullying (unfortunately they're not THAT dumb), but little things like stealing your colored pencils while you're not looking or "accidentally" tripping and spilling their water cup all over you. They especially try to recruit the Special Ed kids who unfortunately don't know any better into their cause.

The Master Artists of the Future

These people have already taken art every single semester they have been at Portola, and have perfected their skills to near-perfect level. They're so great that they've already completed whatever project Ms. Beck has cooked up for them, and instead go around grabbing others' projects and saying how theirs is so much better. I don't think they realize this is GENERAL ART in MIDDLE SCHOOL. As long as you put in effort, you get a good grade. We aren't graded on skill by the teacher, so these people shouldn't be grading others on skill either. If this was AP art in high school, then that would be different, but even so, it's still a scummy thing to do regardless.

Overall, I think art teachers are thoroughly underpaid for the absolute sh*t they have to go through. Seriously, it's bad enough that I have to experience this one period a day, but imagine you were simultaneously trying to calm down the drama royalty, and controlling the thugs while trying to teach a rowdy art class every single school day for six hours. I don't know how they do it.

*Comments are based upon my 2nd period class, but I'd imagine it's around the same for all periods.

Beaver

           Our story begins in the year 5848 on the planet Gelangweilt, where beavers have now become the latest form of currency among the Earthman colonists. Seeing as they were the only other species from Earth to survive the Massive Implodieren of 5847.5, it was only natural that they would be traded amongst the humans for such commodities as jetpacks and laserpistolen. Unfortunately, time behaved differently on Gelangweilt, and so the beavers only mated once every jahr, making beavers a rare and expensive commodity (one beaver was worth about 1,000,000 Yen). Johncenany is a merchant at the Handel Market, trying to sell his goods to scrape together any beaver he can get in hopes of attending Gelangweit's annual Biberfest.

Johncenany: "Mann verflixten, biber! I need to attend this BiberFest or else I'll be ruined for the rest of my life!"
Passerby: "BiberFest, eh? Tell you what, eh? You give me fiddy beavers and I get you to BiberFest, eh?"
Johncenany: "Aww shucks, you're too kind. Tell you what, I give fiddy-one, eh?"
Passerby: "EH!"

           So Johncenany gives up his fifty-one beavers (his entire life savings) to be able to attend the BiberFest. The passerby kept his word, and Johncenany got his ticket to the BiberFest.
*One monat later*
          It was the day of the BiberFest. Johncenany wet his pants just thinking about it. He waited anxiously in line for a very long amount of time before he went in. Finally, he entered. And it wasn't what he expected at all. Flying bibers (or beavers) were swooping around everywhere, attached to the ceiling by long strings of stahl.

Johncenany: "Whot's this, eh? This here beaver be flyin'! This is pretty nautical brote!"
Some Random Mannlich: "There's one coming right for us! WATCHOUTWATCHOUTWATCHOUT!!!!"

          The beaver struck Johncenany in the face. Johncenany died. BiberFest was a plot by the beavers to lure the humans all into one space so they could kill them. The passerby that sold Johncenany the BiberFest ticket was a beaver in disguise. Soon the beavers wiped out the humans and took over Gelangweit. END.

The American Spirit?

          Why is the American spirit to make fun of everything again? Like actually think about it. Steve Harvey says the wrong name at the Miss Universe modeling competition: he gets made fun of. The dictator of a country threatens to nuke us: he gets made fun of. I don't know whether it's the fact that Americans are jerks in general, or if there's some psyhological reason for it, but I'm going to assume the second option. I think we're subconciously afraid of the things we make fun of. For instance: Steve Harvey was made fun of because he made an error on live international television. Imagine how scary that would be if you were him. Donald Trump is made fun of by those who are actually afraid he has a shot at becoming president. Kim Jong-Un is made fun of because he possesses the nuclear weapons to bomb us straight to Jupiter. The list goes on. I'm not sure if this is only true for Americans or for humans in general, but it seems to be popping up most often here in the U.S. of A.. I wish we had a better way of subconciously releasing stress.

Apple vs. FBI

        Apple has been battling the FBI for about a week or two now, and things are heating up. So a bit of backstory: The FBI asked Apple to create a "backdoor" to open up the iPhone of Syed Farook, the shooter in the worst terrorist attack in the United States since 9/11. The FBI claims that the iPhone could hold information on other terrorists and/or future attacks in the U.S.. However, Apple refuses to open the phone since they're concerned that if they were to create the backdoor, anyone's iPhone could be open by anyone who knows the backdoor, thus causing an invasion of privacy. Apparently, Apple is going to use the 1st Amendment to prove the FBI's demands unconstitutional, because software coding is protected under "free speech", as proved by precedent from the Supreme Court from a while back. I can see both sides of the argument, but I'm going to have to side with the FBI on this one. We need to be able to prevent further terrorist attacks, and if that involves unlocking an iPhone, so be it. Rather than teaching the FBI how to backdoor a phone, however, Apple should have a trusted employee unlock it for the FBI and then give it to them. In that way, the FBI or anyone outside the company will not know how to force open an iPhone, and Apple gets to keep the secret. At that point, if there is a security breach, then Apple has no one to blame besides themselves. After all this media attention this has been getting, Apple should still publicly refuse but unlock the phone in private, so that the FBI gets what they want and the company looks like they're still trying and winning. 

Apple vs. Android

       Apple (the company, not the fruit) is one of the most famous smart-device makers in the world. But personally, I think their technology is way overpriced for what it actually is. For instance, the oldest iPhone still being sold regularly is the iPhone 5s (as far as I know), which still can go from anywhere from $200-$400, depending on storage capabilities. That might seem cheap in comparison to Apple's latest models, but then when you compare it to a cheap Android, it seems outrageously expensive. I was able to get my LG Android for around $150, with more capabilities than the 5s (I'd say it's on par with an iPhone 6, which is currently going for about $400). So what's the point of buying an Apple device if you're being cheated for it? Is it perhaps the fact that Apple is more famous? I doubt it, considering the Android OS is made by the even more famous Google, and the actual phones are made from tech giants such as Samsung, LG, Motorola and more. I personally think that a lot of people are too lazy to look into or see something that could save them a lot of money while providing the same reliability that Apple does, and instead just cheat themselves. And I've seen this happen multiple times in different scenarios, too, so it's not like this is a new idea or bold statement. For instance, my grandparents have dreams of moving away to a nice, secluded location, but never take any steps to actually fulfill that achievement, and just cheat themselves by living in misery (even though they don't realize it). Always follow your dreams, and unless you don't want to waste your hard owned money, Apple shouldn't be a part of that dream. 

Yeezys: Part 2

   So in the last blog post I talked about Yeezys and how the shoes are just so darn expensive for the prduct you're actually getting. But apparently there is also a Yeezy brand of clothing too, and it's just as (if not more) overpriced as the footwear. A T-shirt, just a plain old tan-ish brown T-shirt: $340. A plain hoodie that you wouldn't see at Target for over 30 bucks: $480. Some awful-looking peach sweatpants that you could probably find at a Goodwill store: $570. And on, and on, and on.

It makes me question the current sanity of the human race. If someone told me these "trendy" clothes that aren't too pretty or fashionable would sell for half a thousand dollars successfully, I'd tell them they should probably check into a mental hospital. But yet here we are. What really peeves me off is that people are actually buying this stuff. According to the website these pictures came from, many of the items are all ready sold out. Of course, they may be exaggerating, or they didn't have much stock because they thought no one was going to buy this garbage in the first place, but I doubt it.
This whole thing shows the corruption of corporate America. Some person famous for making mediocre at best music is able to create a clothes line of plain stuff you would find at Target, and then market it to millions at overly expensive prices, and have them ACTUALLY BUY IT. Think about it. There are companies and businesses working to provide affordable yet stylish clothing for less fortunate people, but then this utter douche comes along and pressures the American people to buy his product for about 20x what it's actually worth. I can't tell who's dumber here: the people who actually buy these products, or whoever is manufacturing them in the first place.
Then Kanye is going to run for president in 2020, too. Imagine if he wins. The entire nation is just turned into corporate greed (as if it isn't all ready) and our society crumbles. I hope he was joking and it's just a publicity stunt. 

Shoes

           What the heck is the purpose of buying an expensive shoe? Okay, sure, you want to look fashionable and trendy. But are you willing to spend literal thousands of dollars so that you can have the latest look? Because that's what Kanye West is asking (or demanding, it's all the same to Kanye) of you. His "Yeezy" brand shoes can sell from 2,000-3,000 USD. And the shoes don't even look too great either. Seems incredulous that anyone would ever spend their hard earned cash on such an item. But yet they are selling like mad, and most "Yeezy" items are sold out on Kanye's website. So what psychological reason do people have for wasting this mass amount of money? Well I think it simply originated from a large amount of rich people buying them simply because they can. The shoes became trendy due to the mass advertising, especially because they're a celebrity's item, and celebrities have the marketing power of a god. The whole situation then became a peer pressure effect, where poor and middle class people were pressured into buying an overly expensive piece of footwear that they convinced themselves that they need and have enough money to buy, even if they can barely afford rent and food. That might seem a bit extreme and overly specific, but I've seen this same situation in many of my relatives with other items too (like the hoverboard that doesn't hover and is barely even a board). Shoes like these are just meant to take advantage of people, whether they be poor or rich, and pressure them into buying something they subconciously don't need or want. It disgusts me. 

Annoying neighbors

          There's these two families on my block that would rather play with their kids and let their kids play without them in the street rather than in their backyard or at the park. And I live in a neighborhood where our backyards aren't so huge, but are big enough to be functional. Why put your child in danger by letting them play in the front yard and in the street rather than just taking them to a park? The worst part is, these kids like to shout and scream whenever they're having fun (like any 5-9 year old child) and they have fun RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET where every single house on the block can hear them shouting and screaming, especially when you're someone like me, trying to concentrate on writing this blog while the window is open and these stinking kids are right outside making tons and tons of noise. At least they don't do that during the night or else that would be a viable reason to write a report to the police that they're "disrupting the peace".
         And then there's this one family behind us that are pretty bad, too. Whenever the dad has to make any phone call at all, he goes right to the back fence of his house and starts yapping loudly to whoever the heck he's talking to, So basically, he's standing right at the fence next to our house, talking on his cell phone, loud enough to the point where you can hear him no matter where you are within the house. Pretty great guy. The mother and children are no better, too. Once every two days or so, you can hear the mother (also in the backyard near our fence, also very loud) yelling at and occaisonally screaming at her youngish (5-6 years old) children, who then begin to cry, making even more noise and driving me slowly insane.
        The worst part is, these two situations are from relatively new neighbors who arrived sometime within the last year. So while my early childhood was spared from being annoyed to all hell, I haven't had time to adapt to and become used to these idiots. Also, if you're reading this and you are one of the annoying, stupid neighbors, please know that everyone would like you much, much more if you kept your internal affairs INSIDE your house and not in the middle of the street or in the backyard right next to someone else's property. Thanks.