How to Get Perfect Hair in Twenty Simple Steps

Do you have wild hair? Is every day a bad hair day for you? Well with these 20 simple steps, your hair will be perfect every single day for the rest of your life!

Step 1: First, you must feed on the blood of a young one, and get exactly one quart of fresh blood.

Step 2: Combine this with a pint of Tapatio hot sauce and a pint of pure alcohol to make the finest liquor the world has ever seen.

Step 3: Obtain a passport, if you don't have one all ready.

Step 4: Travel over the border to Mexico, and stop at one of the border towns such as Ciudad Juarez or Tijuana.

Step 5: Sell your liquor to one of the drug cartels for exactly 26163.60 pesos (approximately $1,500).

Step 6: Travel back to the States and go to your nearest Gamestop.

Step 7: Buy every single game you can and then sell it back to Gamestop

Step 8: Once you've obtained your $20 from selling the games back, go to your nearest city office and obtain a job as a restaurant inspector.

Step 9: Inspect your nearest McDonald's and obtain all of their extra grease.

Step 10: Spread the grease on to your hair until every single hair on your head is greased.

Step 11: Without washing off the grease, walk down to your nearest Walmart and buy some dehydrated hashbrowns.

Step 12: Evenly distribute those hashbrowns on your head.

Step 13: Add water to your head, and mix.

Step 14: Once your head smells like lemons, you can stop.

And that's how you make your hair always be perfect!

Art

If you ever, for some reason, have an urge to view the scum of the Portola hierarchy, look no further than the elective hell known as "Art class"*. It's not that the class itself is bad (I find it quite enjoyable in fact, and an easy A is an easy A), but the people inside it tend to be foul. Within this proverbial hell, there's a set of groups that I classify them into based on type of annoyingness and strength of stupidity.

The Drama Queens (and Kings)
As the name says, these people create drama out of thin air and tend to make loud noises, underachieve, and text each other in class (despite being less than three feet from one another in a class where the teacher is lenient about talking. Here's some tips to help you spot and avoid drama royalty.

• They tend to be Persian or "Caucasian" girls (not to be racist or sexist but this is what I have noticed)
• If they talk faster than a couple words per second, stay away.
• Typically spoiled
• Only child in their close family
• Bored

(these are just what I notice, it's not true for everyone that is an only child or are spoiled. I'm somewhat sorry if I offend you.)

The Future Thugs of America

The kinds of people you see in the Dean's office twice a week, if not more. Don't care about school, disrespect the teachers and themselves, etc.. They will go to any measure to get into trouble, for no clear reason (my guesses are boredom and self-loathing). Generally, they try to make other's days worse . By that I don't mean blatant bullying (unfortunately they're not THAT dumb), but little things like stealing your colored pencils while you're not looking or "accidentally" tripping and spilling their water cup all over you. They especially try to recruit the Special Ed kids who unfortunately don't know any better into their cause.

The Master Artists of the Future

These people have already taken art every single semester they have been at Portola, and have perfected their skills to near-perfect level. They're so great that they've already completed whatever project Ms. Beck has cooked up for them, and instead go around grabbing others' projects and saying how theirs is so much better. I don't think they realize this is GENERAL ART in MIDDLE SCHOOL. As long as you put in effort, you get a good grade. We aren't graded on skill by the teacher, so these people shouldn't be grading others on skill either. If this was AP art in high school, then that would be different, but even so, it's still a scummy thing to do regardless.

Overall, I think art teachers are thoroughly underpaid for the absolute sh*t they have to go through. Seriously, it's bad enough that I have to experience this one period a day, but imagine you were simultaneously trying to calm down the drama royalty, and controlling the thugs while trying to teach a rowdy art class every single school day for six hours. I don't know how they do it.

*Comments are based upon my 2nd period class, but I'd imagine it's around the same for all periods.